you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize