My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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