Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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