Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
