I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize