His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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