I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
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He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
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Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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