Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
