Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
