Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
