You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
