i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
