just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
