His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Dick very happy bro
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
