no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
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MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something