take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
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I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.