By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
