Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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