so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.