I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
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I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
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I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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