Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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