My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
