Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
