just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
