I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
