Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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