this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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