he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
