She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
