Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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