I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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