dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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