I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
