You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
