I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
