Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
