I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
