fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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