The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
