Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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