I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize