Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
