I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
