just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
