Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
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So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
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Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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