I am full of burrito and curiosity
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is an emotional support booty call
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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