Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
