Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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