You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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