i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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