It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
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He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
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Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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