No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
