My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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